Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Sting Wrestling Fan

>>Oh, my God, Stevie’s on WWE! Oh! I can’t believe it! Stevie’s on there! What? Free! Yeah, off the cuffs.

>>Oh, my God, Stevie’s on WWE! Oh! I can’t believe it! Stevie’s on there! What? Free! Yeah, off the cuffs of Sting. I cannot believe this! Oh, my God. Stevie! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh! Charlie just tried to hit him. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. He’s beating up Triple H. Oh, my gosh! Oh, he’s about to give him the Scorpion Death Drop. Oh! Ahh, yeah!>>Hopefully he’s on the phone with his therapist. Pro wrestling is like the Beatles. The good ones are dead. That super flamboyant wrestling nerd is Chris, and he’s obsessed with Sting. If you don’t watch this show with the same passion, you are not a fan. I grew up loving wrestling too, but then I dialed it back a bit because I wanted to become successful. The pageantry, the face paint, the crushing sadness of a washed-up wrestler with a crippling pill addiction and five kids that won’t speak to him–I loved it all. Sting has been a pro for 30 years. If Michael Jordan had that kind of dedication, he’d still be in the NBA doing what he did best– blowing point spreads to keep bookies from hurting his family. I miss the days when wrestlers could be fat, unhealthy beasts like King Kong Bundy and Jim Ross. Part of the charm was the fact they could drop dead at any minute. Real or fake has never been the issue. How can you say the UFC is a better product when their biggest star is a girl? Not her. The UFC is a joke. I want my athletes in thigh-high boots and with decades worth of backstory; not a bunch of crossfitters who use their actual names. “In the octagon, it’s Matthew O’Connor from Rochester, New York. His mom was a teacher!” Who gives a crap? I respect Chris for being a grown man who has the balls to care about something so childish. That’s why I flew him to L.A., where everyone is too cool to admit they like anything, in this week’s Web Redemption. Oh, my gosh! She just put an inspirational quote on the wall! And now she’s hanging a giant clock! I can’t believe it! Ahh!>>Hello?>>Come on in. Thanks for coming to my farmhouse. I’m just watching a new episode ofFixer Upper.JoJo puts Chevron on everything. Oh, my God! I want to eat her butthole! Where you from?>>Tennessee.>>You special needs?>>[laughs]>>I’ll take that as a “Yes.”>>No.>>Okay, no. I didn’t want to say anything insulting, and it turns out, like, oh, this guy’s got problems and wrestling’s the only way that gives him a little bit of happiness.>>No, not special needs.>>You love wrestling.>>Love it.>>Who’s your favorite wrestler of all time?>>Sting. The man, the myth, the legend.>>How mad were you at the outcome of Hogan vs. Sting,Starrcade’97?>>Sting won. It doesn’t matter if Nick Patrick, the referee, had been knocked out. He was the NWO referee. He was cheating anyway. So why care if Bret Hart comes in there? He was a referee earlier in the night for Eric Bischoff versus Larry Zbyszko, so why not just let him be the referee for that match at the end. I was pissed.>>Do you see this smirk on my face?>>Yes.>>That’s me realizing that I’m talking to an insane person. You’re like the Rain Man of wrestling.>>That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. I can’t believe it! Ahh!>>Who are you talking to on the phone?>>My mom.>>Why don’t you just go upstairs and talk to her?>>Because I live with my fiancé.>>What? All right, hold on. My head can only explode so many times. So you’re not gay?>>No.>>You mean to tell me you weren’t in your parents’ basement?>>Yes.>>Favorite wrestling memory?>>That I’ve seen in person or that I’ve seen on television?>>Sure.>>Which one?>>I don’t care.>>It would have to be Sting coming down from the rafters for the very first time.>>You didn’t see that coming, did you?>>No.>>Who’s your favorite old-school wrestler?>>Sting.>>Okay.>>Sting’s been around my entire life.>>Do you like the Four Horsemen?>>Oh, love the Four Horsemen.>>Oh, don’t put those four fingers up in this household. So help me. That’s eight. That’s not gonna affect me. You think you could break out of the Scorpion Deathlock?>>Oh, I absolutely know how to do it. I’ve put it on other people before.>>But can you break out of it?>>Yes, I can.>>Huh.>>You want to put me in it?>>Kind of want to.>>Let’s go.>>I don’t think your fiancé is gonna like you rolling around on the floor with another man. What wrestler do you hate the most?>>Brock Lesnar.>>Chris Benoit.>>Why do you hate him?>>I mean, just ’cause he killed his family.>>Oh.>>Seems like a bad dude. Did you see Hulk Hogan’s sex tape?>>Why would you watch a Hulk Hogan sex tape?>>’Cause I want to see Hulk Hogan have sex. It’s just funny. I wanted to see if when he put a condom on, his penis ripped it off. All right, I got a huge surprise for you. It is right outside that door. I don’t want you losing your mind.>>Don’t mess with me.>>I don’t want you–I want you to act normal around him. You’re about to meet the one and only, Steve “The Sting” Borden!>>Oh, my–oh, my God!>>Oh, yeah! Snap into a Slim Jim!>>Sting’s not black.>>Sting’s not real.>>I told you this wouldn’t work.>>Don’t beat yourself up, Sting. I tell you who I’d like to meet–Mr. Perfect.>>He’s dead.>>Ah, not so perfect, is he? How about Yokozuna?>>Dead.>>Really?>>Yes.>>British Bulldogs.>>Dead.>>Both of them?>>Just the half people cared about.>>If you build it, they will rumble.>>Build what?>>A wrestling ring. In my corn field. I bought this place from Kevin Costner. Skeezy fella. Used to [bleep] [bleep]’s wife. Look it up. If you build it, they will come. If you build it, they will come.>>I built it. now what?>>All right, that was just a joke. No, I’m kidding. Let’s go watch ’em rumble. Just getting to the good part of this book. Ole got his revenge on Dusty.>>When does it start?>>Be patient. Be patient.>>Oh, my gosh. They’re coming out of the corn. What? It’s Ravishing Rick Rude and Doink the Clown! Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it. The Junkyard Dog is back from the dead.>>All right, I can’t see anything. Are these obstructed view seats or something? Literally nothing is happening.>>I can’t believe this. The Junkyard Dog just reversed the power bomb!>>I honestly think you’re making this up just so I don’t get pissed that you destroyed two acres of corn. Hey, how’s Miss Elizabeth’s body holding up in the afterlife?>>She’s frenching Ravishing Rick Rude. Macho Man’s gonna be so mad.>>Eh, she’s a whore. She’s always been a whore.>>Oh, yeah.>>Oh, yeah! Bam Bam Bigelow just got elbow dropped by the Macho Man.>>Can really attractive people not see ghosts?>>Did you see that clothesline?>>I can’t see anything!>>Oh, my gosh, Captain Lou Albano is beating up the Ultimate Warrior.>>Okay, yeah, now I know you’re nuts.>>Here comes the Big Boss Man Slam.>>I see someone. Oh, it’s just Malakai. Malakai, get back in the corn!>>They’re kicking the crap out of Chris Benoit.>>A little harder when it’s not children and women, right, Chris?>>You won’t believe this.>>You’re right, I won’t. What?>>They’re all in big trouble now. It’s the eighth wonder of the world, Andre the Giant! Oh, boy! He’s four feet taller than the corn if he’s an inch!>>What does that even mean?>>He’s climbing over the top rope. Now he’s choke slamming everyone. Andre the Giant’s gonna win the Royal Rumble! [gasps]>>What?>>Owen Hart just fell from the heavens and killed Andre the Giant. Now they’re both dead. Again.>>All right, so it’s over? I wish Sting was dead, so you would’ve been able to see him. Now replant my corn.>>That’s right, Arn. I was thumbing through your stupid book! Keep your friends close and your enemies closer! What’d you self publish that

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